When did I become such a mean and horrible person? I mean, my goodness... this semester I've just been so snappy and everything! Like when one of my professors was asking me one of those questions that lead to a loop of answers until the student finally gives up and the teacher is "declared" the winner (you know what I mean?) and instead of shying away and giving up on the third attempt I practically snapped her question back at her! (Okay, so that is a bit confusing... here is the scene: Soc 305, Research, my group is on gay and lesbians, my professor is a lesbian and we're discussing ways of approach to get interviews, she calls on me... Diaz: So why are you approaching me to be intereviewed? Me: The Rainbow Pride Union gave your name as a "Friendly Faculty" Diaz: So you are assuming I'm gay... why are you approaching me though? Do I look gay to you? Is there a rumor going around that I am? Me: Well we are looking for faculty to be interviewed and the RPU- Diaz: That still doesn't answer the question of WHY you are talking to me! Me: We are looking for faculty and one way we got a list of possible people interview was going throught the RPU, as they have a better understanding of who to- Diaz: I'm not interested in what the RPU said, WHY me? Why not some other faculty member? Why does it have to be me? Me: Well you know what? WHY NOT!? *the class laughs and she stares and blinks at me* You're a faculty member, we want faculty opinions... Diaz: Ah, good point, you've got me there... *chuckles to herself* yes, why not indeed... UGH! I know for certain the old me would have been too shy to say that the way that I did...) One of my friends said that all it means is that "you've grown a backbone and no longer allow people to walk all over you". But still, to have to go through a day and constantly remind myself that I need to behave and be civil, that's so different from the old me. The old me was so tolerant (or at least, more so) of everyone and everything, I was nice to everyone.... now if someone just talks to loud or does one little thing I think horrible, mean thoughts about them... even behave in an uncivil manner. I hate it, I don't want to be mean... it just seems so unnatural, yet I'm naturally mean to people without even thinking about it? Isn't that like the definition of "natural"? Life was easier and happier when I was Ebeth... Life as Liz is just crazy and stressful! But then again, maybe the biggest problem that I'm having with this whole Ebeth v Liz thing is that... well, I like the Liz me more than the Ebeth me. Liz takes chances, is bold, can say "no" and doesn't take "no" for an answer, and is even more stubborn (if that is possible) to the point of being thick headed about certain things. Liz doesn't cave at the first sight of disappointment, nor does she immediately apologize and try to right the wrongs after an argument/fight/whatever, like I don't have the guilt wrenching need to apologize first and can be very direct about everything and anything, even things that have the potential to lead to an ugly confrontation. What's happened to me?
Does this mean that I am a bad person now?
- Music:Something Good - Bic Runga (haha, so ironic)